Q: I have a daughter in 4th grade and I find myself getting caught up in her “girl drama” that goes on at school. I feel like it’s happening to me and all my rational thinking goes out the window. Do you have any advice for how I can handle this better?
A: This is an awesome question. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have found myself acting the same age as my own child. And “girl drama” is the worst! It sucks you in and you feel like you are back in school all over again. It’s funny to me because even though I haven’t been in school for a number of years it’s still the same old stuff. The difference is this is YOUR baby that someone is being mean to and you just want to kick their butt! But we can’t and we don’t want our kids to do that either, so what do we do? I try really hard to be a good role model for my daughter. I am not perfect by any means and I mess up all the time, but anytime I can use my own life to teach her a lesson I try to do so. Just as an example if something is going on in your own life or someone treated you poorly and it’s appropriate to share with her then you ask her how she would handle the situation. Then tell her how you handled the situation. Great examples to use would be someone talking behind someone else’s back and you tell her that you said you weren’t going to talk about someone who wasn’t there to speak for themselves. Or give her an example of how you helped someone that was in need and you did it because it was just the right thing to do. There are so many things in our daily lives that we can be sharing with our children that hopefully they will in turn use in their own lives. We are, after all, their biggest role models and the old saying monkey see, monkey do still applies, but it can also be used to promote positive behaviors. Teach her skills for coping that she will use the rest of her life.
Q: Since my child started school this year, I am having some issues not only with the school but with my ex. What advice do you have on communication with my ex on pick-ups, drop-offs and school communications? So far it’s been a mess.
A: I hate that for you and your family it hasn’t been a smooth transition to school. Sometimes in the beginning these things take time and you have to work out the kinks. I am divorced, so I can speak from a lot of years of experience on this subject. I can tell you right now that your child will only benefit from you having a positive relationship with your ex. And I know that sometimes this is much easier to say than do. But you can do it. And when it works, you will feel so much better for it. Speaking from a school perspective also, when you have parents that are divorced it can be difficult on the school when they don’t have all the proper information too. You don’t want to put them in the middle of something like custody issues. I would suggest that you talk to the school and explain your situation. If there are custody papers, they need to have a copy of those and that way there is never a question when it comes to pick-ups and who is allowed and who is not. It can seem overwhelming but it is purely for the safety of your child. Talk to your child’s teacher and they can assist you in the school communications department. They are there to help you and they want things to go smoothly for your family. Don’t hesitate to ask for help or to have a meeting. I hope your school year improves and I know you will get the hang of it. Best of luck!
Q: What can I do when nothing works for my 6-year-old son? I’ve done everything you can think of? I think this boy will be the death of me.
A: Over the years I have had several parents ask this same question. They will try all of the suggestions that I offer them in class and they come back and say nothing worked. It is very puzzling to me time and time again. I have had parents say we bagged up all the toys and put them in the garage and the child had little or no reaction. One of the first things I would suggest to you is consider what the child was doing to get in trouble. Did it have something to do with getting your attention? Were you on the phone, making dinner or distracted by something else? Often times I think the worst punishment for a child is to be sent to their room or somewhere else where their behavior cannot be put on display. Sometimes children act out in order to get your attention. I tell parents to really think about what their child loves because there is something. I think it would be a very rare case to find a child that doesn’t have something that they like to do or, better yet, someone they like to spend time with and something that sparks their interest. I think over half the time the answer is being with you. Children love being with their parents…that is… up to about age of 13, so you still have a little while. If taking away toys isn’t working, time outs are not working, you say to them, “Please go to your room. No one wants to be around you when you act like this. Let me know when you’re ready to come out and be with me.” I am not saying that this will work on every child 100% of the time but I do think that for a great number of children being with their parents is the only thing they really want. And when you take away the audience for a fit, it’s just not near as exciting performing to an empty theater, if you catch my drift. Find his motivation and you find the golden ticket!