By: Elaine Martin
When I think about one specific day’s activities transforming my life, I think back to September 2002. My third daughter was lying on the examination table at the pediatrician’s office while my older two daughters were wiggling in their assigned seats. The doctor had just given my two-week-old her once-over, when she asked me if I had any questions about the precious cargo I had carried into her office.
I was a seasoned mom – I knew about diaper rash, nursing, and thrush; however, I had a burning question that I was embarrassed to ask for fear that my trusted doctor would label me as a Loser Mom. As I rocked my baby in her car seat, I took a deep breath and asked her if it was a medical crime to let my kids drink bath water. She smiled, looked at my two oldest kids, and told them to drink all they want – it would do no harm. The doctor left the sterile cramped square room while my chin hit the diaper bag strap I had thrown over my shoulder – did she just give me permission to have bath time that included sucking down tainted water?
I spent the rest of the day mulling over the morning epiphany – my kids could do something I had thought was off-limits, and it wouldn’t harm them. More importantly, I realized that I would not be viewed as an inept mother. I tested my theory at bath time that evening. While my husband was on baby duty, I handled bath time with our 3 and 5 year old. You must realize that normal bath time consisted of screaming and whining – mostly on my part. “Don’t splash!” “Quit standing up in the tub!” And of course, “Don’t drink the bath water!” When the water was drained, I was the lone female in the house in tears.
This evening’s cleaning time was instead spent with me saying, “You make quite a loud sucking sound with that washcloth” and “Here’s another spoon so you can share the bubble soup you created.” The humidity level of our bathroom was the same as normal, but the atmosphere was entirely different. My husband could hear laughter coming down the hallway instead of my loud commands. It was wonderful!
To give the doctor credit, she was right on. My girls did not have adverse effects from the gray water they had ingested the night before. I was looking for spots on their skin, bumps in their throats, and panties full of “loose” stool. Instead, I found my normal, giggly, springy kids. I was dumb-founded. I had based my ban on consuming bathwater because of the information I had gathered from books, playground conversations, and my gut instincts. Could there be other Mom-isms I had created that were also faulty?
The next few months started a new season for me in my maternal role. I wanted to change from being a controlling mother to a more nurturing one. It wasn’t going to be easy, so I started with baby steps. My 5-year-old was enrolled in preschool, and I had picked out her clothes and hairstyle every day. “Why not let Sally dress herself?”, I asked my husband one morning. He raised his eyebrows at me, shrugged his shoulders, and left early for work. Sally was thrilled with her new freedom, as she bounced into her room in her nightgown and emerged confidently wearing her personal ensemble…horizontal striped shirt with polka-dot tights under a plaid skirt. I was shocked by the patterned buffet on my daughter’s body but also at her self-esteem. She was darned proud of herself, as I was of both her and me. Together, we walked into preschool as new women.
Many things changed in our household after these two successful incidents. As I learned to release control of my family’s actions, I started to gain an appreciation for their individuality and humor. My time was now being spent enjoying watching my little ones discover things for themselves instead of me being a helicopter parent structuring their every move. With safe boundaries in place, I allowed my girls to become independent and carefree.
The positives of releasing myself from my self-appointed role as Junior God spilled over to another very important relationship as well – my marriage. I realized that I had placed my husband in a symbolic “playpen” right along with our offspring. For example, I had always encouraged him to read leadership books to further his career, even though he hated reading more than receiving root canals. He had surely grown tired of always hearing me talk about the necessity of cutting back his caloric intake. I cringe when I recall the many times I was angry because he played board games with our girls in a way that was far different than was printed on the included instructions.
Just like I accepted my kids’ attempts at self-expression, so I did with Greg. The big surprise to me was that I discovered what a great guy he had become! I had this false expectation of what I thought my children needed in a perfect father, but my eyes were opened to this amazing daddy that had been leading our family the whole time. His biggest gift to me was his miraculous ability to allow me to discover that for myself.
It has been six years since my bath-water transforming day. As my kids have grown, so has my desire to release more and more control of my surroundings. To help with our family budget, I actually started babysitting other people’s children in my home. It’s ironic to me that my house, where stifling rules were as bountiful as the stars in the sky, has become a play place for kids to help me roll sticky sugar cookie dough and make glitter saturated pieces of art. When parents come to pick up their happy toddlers at my tornado-stricken doorstep, I occasionally hear “I wish I could be as relaxed like you are. My kids absolutely love coming to your house to play.” I just smile, hug their precious toddlers goodbye, and think that maybe they need to do something special with their bath water.