Advice from an Ordinary Dad
Christmas is the season of giving. God gave first and continues to give, so it is fitting that we show our love to others through gifts too. But if you are anything like me, knowing what to give each year is a struggle. I learned that the year I bought my mom a splatter screen for Christmas.
And the choices change each year. Does my wife want perfume or the new Jane Austin DVD? Are my boys too old for Legos (is anyone really ever too old for Legos?)? Does my daughter want an iPod or an American Girl Doll?
Then there’s me. What do I dream of? Pretty much anything with a screen will do. What better way to say “I love you!”
So each year I put serious thought into choosing the right gift for the ones I love. Not like when I was a kid. Back then, when I wanted the dual-barrel, triple shot Nerf gun, I just bought it for my brother. When he got tired of it, I would just borrow it. In reality, I was just giving myself a gift.
At Christmas, we all have a heightened awareness of what others want. We dream about ways we can communicate our love through that all-important gift.
But Christmas shouldn’t be the only time of year we try to show others our love. A number of years ago I learned about the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. And just like Christmas gifts, he asserts there is no “one size fits all,” way to show your love.
Think about it. Have you ever done something great for someone and just not felt appreciated for the sacrifice you made? We all have.
One night I came home feeling a little extra loving, so rather than sit down in front of the computer or TV, I washed some dishes, made dinner and helped with the laundry. I even spouted out a few compliments to the family. Was I loving or what?! I was a saint!
Sure, my wife and kids appreciated the encouragement and help. That was always appreciated. But they didn’t get my “love.” And with the help of Dr. Chapman, I can explain why. There are five ways in which people feel loved. They are:
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there — with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby — makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A personwhose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face — they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care and love.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
We often speak our love language to others. On that night, my language was Acts of Service. After being gone all day, my family didn’t want me to do chores to show my love. They just wanted me (or Quality Time). It was the splatter screen and Nerf gun all over again.
We need to learn the love languages of those we care about; our spouse, our children and our friends. Then we need to become fluent in their love language. It’s a language/skill I am still trying to learn.
This can be your best Christmas ever, especially if you know your loved ones’ love language. Realize what you want is not necessarily what says “I love you” to your family.