Q & A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
I have a terrible time getting my 9-year-old to do homework. It’s awful. I end up yelling at him to get it done or it ends in up tears. I feel like this is a constant battle. Is there anything I can do to make this process better?
I can completely relate to you on this subject. My own child has never been a fan of homework and when it’s time to get it done my house can become a place of gloom and doom. One night when I was helping her with spelling words and she wasn’t paying attention it just hit me out of blue…I cared more about this spelling test than she did. I stopped in my tracks, closed her book and said, “I’m so sorry, this isn’t my test but I wish you the best of luck on it tomorrow!” You talk about an attention getter. She snapped up and said, “What are you doing? I don’t know my words!?” and I said, “I know.” After her freaking out and thinking the world was coming to an end, I said, “I would be glad to help you with spelling when I feel like you want to learn and pay attention.” Some parents would not be willing to risk their child getting an “F” on a spelling test but it’s not your test. I feel that children need to want to learn and take responsibility for their homework. I’m not saying homework is always perfect in my house but when it starts to become more my work than hers, all I have to do is wish her good luck on her test and magically the homework becomes very important.
As a mom to a toddler (my daughter is just 15 months old), how can I best, most effectively deal with tantrums?
The 15-month-old tantrum can come on like a tornado on a hot summer day. Tantrums by definition are power struggles. Children will act out in order to see if this will cause a change in the parental unit, especially at such a young age when verbal skills are not yet developed. The tantrum might be the only means of letting you know how they feel. Tantrums happen because the child did not get their way. In my opinion the best, most effective way to deal with tantrums is to make sure you stick to your guns. If it is a case where you said no then make sure that does not turn into a yes. You can put the child in time-out. In this case a play pen could be very effective. You can remove the child from the situation or remove the offending object as well. Perhaps the child wants something or won’t leave an object alone, you can remove the object and place it somewhere where the child can see it but it not able to get it. Just keep in mind that a tantrum is about control and as your child gets older, you as a parent can continue to build on the idea of ‘no means no!’ The tantrum can break us down and make us start to lose all rational thought. Every time you give in to a tantrum your words lose power. People play slot machines over and over thinking the next pull of the handle and I will win. Children throw tantrums with the same thought process wondering when you as a parent will give in and they win. I know it’s difficult, but stay strong and the tantrums will become less frequent because the child will know you mean what you say.
My 2-year-old is pushing me to the limits. What do I do when a 2-year-old just walks off and doesn’t even respond to what you say? Or runs away laughing thinking everything is a game!
Me: Bedtime!
Him: No response, just the sound of feet running, or him shaking his head like he’s saying “no thank you!”
Two-years-olds have enough energy to power the country. They can certainly push us to the end of no return. Bedtime can be one of the most difficult times of the day. My thoughts on bedtime tend to lean toward the “Super Nanny” philosophy. You have to put in a lot of hours to get this process perfected. I can remember doing this with my own child. The first night I wanted her to sleep in her own bed, it took me taking her back to bed 47 times. 47 times!! I counted because I had nothing else to do. I started out doing everything I was supposed to do: kiss her goodnight, tuck her in and turn on a nightlight. Seconds later, the child appeared and said, “Stay up!” After this I took her back to bed 47 times before she stayed in her bed and went to sleep. The second night it was 21 times and the third night it was 14 times and the fourth night it was 3 times. A 2-year-old’s job is to push limits and it’s your job to set the boundaries. My response to the laughing would be to set hard limits and make sure you are not laughing when the limits are pushed and crossed. I know it’s hard not to laugh simply because you might be sleep deprived. Even at the very young age of two, a child knows which buttons to push in order to get a reaction out of you. So try to keep calm and be cool!