Q: I have a 6-year-old daughter and we fight all the time. If I say the sky is blue, she will argue with me that it’s green. I am so quick to lose my temper and yell and then I feel like I’m 6 years old. How do I deal with a child that likes to argue?
A. This is what I like to call the strong-willed child. The strong-willed child is someone who you think could very possibly become a lawyer someday. They either want to disagree with everything you say or they are always trying to renegotiate the terms of the deal. Anyone that has children knows how easily they can be brought down to the elementary level. I once argued with my then, 4-year-old that anything times zero equals zero for a good fifteen minutes. And I had to stop myself and think what am I doing? So don’t feel bad, a toddler can take down the best of us and bring us to their level even on your best day. A very common Love and Logic© term is…I love you too much to argue. And this is something that you just keep repeating until they get the point. Another suggestion is telling the child what to do. If there is one thing a strong willed child hates, it is someone telling them what to do. It is a loss of control for them. You could tell them what to do or encourage the unwanted behavior by telling them they threw a much better and bigger tantrum last time. The main thing to remember is don’t lose your cool because that is the whole point for them. And when they see that you can’t handle them, why would they think anyone else in this world could.
Q. My 3-year-old whines constantly. It drives my husband and me crazy. Do you have any tips to stop the whining?
A. Whining to a parent is like nails on a chalkboard. It grates on the nerves. Children this young think that whining is the way to get what they want and I often think they don’t even realize they are doing it. It reminds me of my own child when she says, “But I said I was sorry!” Thinking this is the magic answer to all her problems and it fixes everything. There are options to whining, such as, you can put the child in time out, a little swat on the bottom or taking away a toy or just ignoring their request, but most of the time I don’t think that these options are all that helpful. My suggestion is to teach your children the difference between a whiny voice and a big voice. You can model the difference for them and make a game of it. In your best whiny voice you can say, “But mommy…I want it now! Pleeezzzzzzzz!!!!!” Then you can say, “Mommy may I please have this?” Another technique is to pretend you can’t hear them when they whine. You can tell them that you only hear children that use their big voice and not the little squeaky, whiny one. And if this still continues you can become a broken record and repeat over and over, “Why can’t I hear you?” Eventually they will understand that you only listen to children who use their big voices.
Q. I am the mother of three children ages, 5, 8, and 11. I feel like I’ve always let them do what they want and I never follow through on anything I say. My husband and I both work. I’m not trying to make excuses, but we’re both tired at the end of the day and by the time you fix supper, do homework and baths, we’re done and I think the kids think they can get away with whatever. Is it too late to change our ways?
A. I’m a firm believer that it’s never too late to change and be a better parent. I have been teaching parenting classes for over six years and I have had parents of all ages of children from toddlers to teenagers. I will say I think it’s something that you have to be serious about and you really need to want to change. I completely understand working and then being tired and piling on all the extras after work. My biggest piece of advice is that you have to start enforcing what you say. If you say that the homework better be done by a certain time and it’s not then they have to go to bed. Or there is some type of consequence. If you say, we are going to leave this party if they can’t behave, then leave the party if they don’t behave. Every single time a child misbehaves you have a blank slate to change your ways. You need to set limits once and follow through. It’s not easy to do and some days you will do better than others, but every day is a new day to make a change.