Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My son just started kindergarten and he has been cranky, whiny, throwing tantrums and not being himself. He stayed at our babysitter’s house prior to starting school. He’s doing great in school but I want my sweet, little boy back. Is this normal?
A: This is completely normal and nothing to be concerned about. You have to think about what his daily routine used to be and what it is now. He is reacting to the dramatic change in his schedule and unfortunately the negative impact that comes along with change. He is taking out on you because he is comfortable with you. Often times we act out in negative ways with the ones we love the most. This doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate or that he can act out in this way but it at least gives you a perspective of where it is coming from and why. Change is a difficult animal and everyone reacts differently to it. The other piece to this puzzle is more than likely he is tired. I work closely with the kindergartners and they look so tired the first couple weeks of school. There is an adjustment period that has to be taken into account. On a positive note, it sounds as if he is doing great in school and that is a huge success. Your sweet, little boy will return, I think he is getting adjusted to his new routine and it may take some time. And when he is having tantrums or being ugly to you then perhaps a logical consequence might be that he needs to go to bed earlier or not be able to watch his favorite show before bedtime. Hopefully by the time you are reading this his sweet, little smile has returned and a nice, balanced routine is setting in for you both.
Q: My daughter is in middle school and she is 12 years old. Recently she has been asking questions about weight loss, wanting to get on the treadmill and skipping meals saying she’s not hungry. I’ve asked her if anyone has said something mean to her and she says no, but it’s a concern. She is not big but she is not rail thin either. I would like suggestions on how I can address this with her and really find out what is going on?
A: As a mother myself, I understand how alarming this would be to you. We live in a world that defines beauty by the size you wear. With the influences of social media on our society, girls are exposed to what the media defines as beautiful. I think the only thing we can do is educate, educate and educate! Educate them on what is healthy. Educate them on exercising. Educate them on positive self-esteem. If she wants to know about weight loss then you can teach her about calories taken in and calories burned. Teach her the science behind it. I think the most important thing you can do for your daughter is teach her to have a positive body image. The world is imperfect and a size zero does not make up for a lack of character and compassion. The average woman’s size in America today is between a 12-14. You can teach her a healthy lifestyle and teach her to find a balance. Those are tools that can last a lifetime.
Q: I am divorced with two boys and I doubt there is an answer for my question but I’ll ask it just to see. I have been having trouble with my boys, 6 and 9 with the way they have been acting and they have been using foul language. I don’t curse and I know it is coming from their Dad’s house. I’ve tried talking to him and the boys and all I get is, “Dad doesn’t care!” I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.
A: When kids live in two or more homes life can be hard at times. First you need to put yourself in their shoes. And think about your things being in two different places. Think about two different homes and probably each home is run a little differently. Even the very best of divorced parents are not going to do things the same way. I agree with you though that what your boys are doing is unacceptable. You cannot have 6 and 8 year olds running around cursing. The school is going to be calling you soon. I want you to first try to understand where they are coming from and second think about what you can control. You can control yourself. You can control the rules in your home. You can control how you communicate with their Dad and if he doesn’t want to help you with this issue then you have to go back to, “What can I control?” I know it must feel like a losing battle but as far as how things operate in your house that is under your control. And when the rules of your home are broken, then you need to have appropriate consequences to enforce them. I don’t know who wouldn’t agree with you in this case. But there comes a time when you can’t fight anymore and you take control of what you can.