Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My child is 12 years old and she is driving me crazy! I hope that’s ok to say, but I don’t know if it is hormones or what but she goes from hot to cold in two seconds flat. I feel like I need to fix her all the time or I need to figure out what is wrong and I’m fighting with her more and it’s solving nothing. What would you do?
A: You are describing my future. And it makes me nervous. The dreaded onset of the pre-pubescent teenage girl. I think this species of girl should be studied like a creature in the wild. I remember one time watching my cousin and her daughter interact at a family function. Her daughter was all sweet and hugging on her and then her mom went to get something out of her hair and she snapped. Turning into a little, devil saying, “Don’t touch me!” My child was much younger at the time but that image has stayed with me. Professionally, I can answer this question and tell you what you should do. Personally though, I know the difficulty in saying one thing and doing another. It’s easy for me to tell you, but it’s not as easy to implement. I think the first suggestion I would give you is to try and not let your child see that she has you rattled. The very minute they see that you are losing your cool, the game has been lost. It’s a parental instinct to want to fix things for our children. But are we doing them a service by doing that or are we setting them up to fail in the real world? It is something to think about because later in life for the most part problems don’t just fix themselves. Instead these moments could be used as teaching tools and learning moments. Try to look at every situation and think how can I use this to teach my child a life lesson right now? Every parent out there feels your pain, so know that you are not alone in this. Best of luck…
Q: I have twin boys, age 7, and I have a question about how I should handle grandparents. I feel like both sets of grandparents spoil the boys and it is so difficult to get them to follow the rules that my husband and I have set. It makes life harder when the boys are there because they act up and they don’t listen. I always seem to hear, “They were fine until you got here!” What can I do?
A: I think everyone has had this problem and not just with grandparents. It could come from teachers, friends and babysitters too. There is a magical force in the universe that sometimes turns our children into angels when we are not around. LOL! I have personally heard this same sentence from my very own mother on many an occasion. It’s as if I no more than pull into the driveway and a signal goes off within my child to immediately start disobeying. I don’t know that I have a quick fix or solution for you on this particular issue. I would suggest that it really helps being on the same page with the grandparents. If your form of discipline is time outs, then that is what they need to use. If you don’t want your child to have sweets or candy, then make sure that they know what your rules are and how important they are to you and your husband. And I have heard from several parents before that simply say, the grandparents will not abide by the rules that they want to be enforced. I think that this situation involves give and take on both sides. Grandparents love to spoil their grandchildren. I think that the love between a grandparent and a grandchild is so unique and different than it is between a parent and child. I think it is so important for children to know their grandparents, respect them and love them. But at the same time, there has to be a level of respect between you and your parents as well. I would say pick your battles wisely and let them be loved.