Had I not woken up, I might continue to impress what I thought should be Beau’s purpose on him. Though autism wasn’t something Paul and I planned, God did!
It is God’s gifts of mercy and humor that carry our family through difficult circumstances. I never tire when He is heavy handed with the humor, especially in our parenting. Our children, Beau and Brynna have been guinea pigs. When we are laughing, that means we are not crying!
Unlike some little girls, I didn’t dream of being a mom. The very thought of being responsible for a little one frightened me, for the child of course.
However, my elation at learning my husband, Paul, and I were pregnant erased reservations about becoming a parent.
Parents often dream of the great things their child will do in the world. Paul and I were no different. We began preparing them as babies for NASA, the White House, the stage or professional sports.
We consider ourselves lucky if they share our common passions or surpass our expectations.
Just when Paul and I got comfortable dreaming of our baby’s future, God sounded an alarm that woke us up. Who would have guessed it would be an alarm at the birth of our first child, Beau Peyton.
Paul and I weren’t really “welcomed” into parenthood. I would say it was more like we were catapulted at an alarming rate of speed. We just did what any other unassuming young parents would do. We put our safety belts on and braced for impact.
Beau was beautiful. So beautiful– just like his name. But his disposition, OH MY! He cried every time his eyes were open. I know individuals who were nicknamed “Smiley” because of their precious disposition as a baby; Beau’s would have been more like “Sour Puss.” Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like “Smiley.”
Beau wasn’t progressing like other babies born around the same time, and he often slipped away into his own little world. He just didn’t seem to really bond with anyone– me the most. We were not in the habit of comparing him to other children, but these were noticeable and more obvious differences. We started feeling a tugging in our hearts that something was wrong developmentally.
He made no attempts to walk or crawl until he was about 18 months old. He showed no interest in playing with other kids. Beau liked toys, but didn’t play appropriately with them. He would line them up to look at them and just become attached, in spite of having no imaginary play with them. It was just strange.
After playing several rounds of “what could it be,” we finally put a name to this puzzling behavior: autism.
It was devastating watching our son miss milestone after milestone.
Long before we had a formal diagnosis, Paul and I mourned our idea of a “normal” existence for our little one.
We had questions.
· Will he fit in with peers?
· Will he have trouble in school?
· Will he play sports?
· Will he graduate high school/college?
· Will he get married?
· Will he be able to work?
· Will he be able to live on his own?
· Who will take care of him if something should happen to us?
We were awakened to the fact that our dreams for Beau were not God’s plan.
Paul and I experienced stares, ugly comments and lack of understanding. This definitely wasn’t our dream for our son.
When I hear the news of another autism diagnosis, my mind retreats to the raw emotions we felt. It was while sorting through our dreams we began to discover God’s reality and feel His mercy.
Thankfully, Beau has been a testimony to us that autism is not life limiting, just life altering.
Beau’s meltdowns are fewer and farther between, but can still bring me to my knees asking God for guidance.
It’s therapeutic to acknowledge our struggles and heartaches with autism but we don’t want them to define Beau or our family.
Beau’s existence is completely normal to him; he’s glad the alarm sounded because those dreams we had would seem crazy to him.
We see blessings in autism. God has given us the ability to laugh over some of our dreams now, many years removed, providing much needed perspective as we parent both of our kids.
Paul would watch anything, even ping pong, if it came on ESPN. He naturally had aspirations that his son might share his passion for all things sports. But Beau… well, he doesn’t like sports. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to make him play a sport.
It still hurt Paul that Beau didn’t want to play sports, but it wasn’t that autism limited him; it is just something Beau doesn’t like.
God awakened us to see that Beau not wanting to play sports is okay, and we now find him gifted in other areas that were not on our “dream-dar.” Paul and I are reminded that we can learn a few lessons from Beau Rafferty.
Beau is honest to a fault. He freely breaks out in song or dance, a freedom I wish I had. He rarely makes judgments, or at least he doesn’t verbalize them. He has a wonderful sense of humor like his mother. And he is a very kind big brother to Brynna. Just ask her, she will tell you.
Had I not woken up, I might continue to impress what I thought should be Beau’s purpose on him. Though autism wasn’t something Paul and I planned, God did!
I’m reminded of this through scripture.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
Just when I start dreaming my own dreams again, the alarm sounds and I call upon the Lord by reciting Jeremiah 29:11 and inserting their names…“For I know the plans I have for Brynna/Beau, declares the LORD….”
Being a parent is hard! Maybe you’ve been awakened from dreams for your children and you are still hurting. If this is the case, insert your child’s name into Jeremiah 29:11.
Paul and I sleep easier and laugh more often trusting God’s promises are fulfilled when we WAKE UP and stop trying to make our dreams fit our kids. He brings a better reality into any situation…even autism.
Though I sometimes still get sleepy for my dreams for the kids, I’m forever thankful that God woke us up!