I am currently in a tumultuous situation. One I never should have put myself in during quarantine. I am attempting to potty train my 3-year old. I am using the word attempting very loosely.
Could I have done this nine months ago? Yes.
Should I have started doing this nine months ago? Yes, again.
Did I start doing this nine months ago? No freaking way.
I despise potty training to the bottom of my cold dark heart. Boys have bad aim. They don’t care if they pee on walls. They have no control. And over the course of potty training, your bathroom smells like urine. And I loathe that smell.
Disclaimer: I would like people to know that I do clean up all the toddler boy urine. But, it’s always lurking somewhere, ready to make me gag a little and throw up in my mouth.
I always thought someone should write a book on how to potty train your kid. Then I realized there were a lot, but they were all too long and anyone that has a child of potty-training age doesn’t have time to read a manual.
Instead, I thought I would write out a few steps to potty train your child for those of you that haven’t started the process yet or are about to start it again with a second child.
- Think back to the potty-training methods you used for your first child.
- Forget those. Throw them out the window. They are useless now. They will never work twice. That would be too easy.
- Start with mediocre to low expectations.
- Now lower those expectations. A lot. Not far enough. A little more. There you go.
- Buy your child an expensive potty off Amazon that sings a horrible song when you flush it, like the Hot Dog Dance from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
- Place the expensive potty in the bathroom, where it will soon just become a piece of decor.
- Find out your kid would rather continue to poop himself than use the expensive potty.
- Listen to the “Hot Dog Dance” 1 million times because your kid loves pulling the handle while simultaneously pooping himself.
- Ask your child if he wants to sit on the potty and watch him kick and scream like a tiny version of the devil himself.
- Buy big boy underwear with Mickey Mouse on them to try and get him interested.
- Put interested child in said underwear for him to poop himself. They were obviously just a fashion statement.
- Switch to Pull Ups.
- Bribe your child with candy to go pee pee in the potty.
- Give your child 76 pieces of candy in one day because he realizes he can hold it and make himself go a little bit, eat the candy, go a little bit more, eat more candy, etc.
- Realize that your youngest son is still peeing in his Pull Up when he realizes the candy is over for the day and decide to back off until he’s “ready.”
- Repeat steps 13-15 for eternity.
At least that’s where I am right now. I am being used by a 3-year old for candy.
I hope that my abbreviated manual somehow helps you. If you figure out steps 16-258, please advise.
Until Next Time,