Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: I’m sure you’re probably asked this question a lot but what do you do with a child that will not do anything you say, ever! I have three children but this one is going to get the best of me. He is four years old and he bosses me around daily. He tells everyone what to do and we do it. I think I’ve waited too late.
A: First rule to always remember, it’s never too late. Anyone that is reading this can relate to this question and if they don’t then they are lying to themselves…LOL! There are always times when we give in too easily, we let them stay up too late and before we know it they are the boss of us. It happens. Has your child ever said, “You’re not the boss of me!” Welcome to parenthood. I have really seen instances where I think it has gone on too long and it could be classified as a lost cause, but there’s always hope. You need to remember that you cannot control your child’s behavior. I know. I know. Weird statement but true. The only thing you can control is your own behavior and let’s face it that’s pretty darn hard on any given day. My recommendation for you is to change your behavior. When the child wants you to play a game, go outside, or make cookies you say, “I’m sorry…I only do those nice things for children who are sweet and kind to the people around them.” You let him know his getting what he wants is contingent on his behavior. Will this make your home miserable? Yes! Will it make your home a nicer place to live in the future? Yes! Just give it a try. Good luck!
Q: My 3-year-old whines constantly. It drives me and my husband crazy. Do you have any tips to stop the whining?
A: Whining to a parent is like nails on a chalkboard. It grates on the nerves. Children this young think that whining is the way to get what they want and I often think they don’t even realize they are doing it. I recently asked my own child if she would like some cheese with that whine! She didn’t think that was very funny and she’s 11. But I did. So I hate to tell you the whining can last a long time. There are things you can do to help with the whining such as, you can put the child in time out, a little swat on the bottom or taking away a toy or just ignoring their request, but most of the time I think there are better options that are more helpful. My suggestion is you can teach your children the difference between a whiney voice and a big voice. You can model the difference for them and make a game of it. In your best whiney voice you can say, “But mommy…I want it now! Pleeezzzzzzzz!!!!!” Then you can say, “Mommy may I please have this?” They will laugh hysterically when you are the one whining and you will probably get on their nerves. Another technique is to go deaf when they whine. You
can tell them that you only hear children that use their big voice and not the little squeaky, whiney one. And if this still continues you can become a broken record and repeat over and over, “What…I can’t I hear you?” Eventually they will understand that you only listen to children who don’t whine.
Q: I’m a stay-at-home-mom to my 3-year-old son and during the day he’s not too bad, but when my husband comes home, he acts crazy and doesn’t do anything I tell him. My husband just wants to play, gets him wound up and I’m left to do all the “not fun” stuff. Do you have any suggestions?
A: This is such a tough question and a touchy one too. There’s no way around the fact that this puts you in a terrible position. It sounds like you are the caretaker and the disciplinarian and that doesn’t leave much time for you to be “the fun” one. I know this is an issue for so many married couples, as well as divorced people too. Someone has to be the caretaker and someone has to be the disciplinarian and they are both hard jobs. My advice to you is to talk to your husband about this issue. Let him know that you can’t be the one that makes the fun stop all the time. He sounds like he might be in the “friends” zone with his child. And while we all want to be friends with our children, in my opinion, it’s not ultimately what you want to be to them. You have to be a parent first and foremost. But that doesn’t mean there’s no time for lots of fun because there’s always time for fun. There just needs to be an equal balance. I think he should step in and be the disciplinarian and the caretaker from time to time. It should be a shared role. I think in this day and age those roles are not defined by any means and a united front is always going to be better than a separated one.