By: Laura Murphy
It’s easy to get sidetracked in our busy lives and neglect those who mean the most to us. In my case, having two young children, teaching middle school, coaching the dance team and completing graduate work have created a very heavy plate to carry. With my husband also working full time and coaching, we sometimes get so busy that we forget to make time to effectively communicate with each other. Do conversations like this sound familiar?
“Did you remember to pick up the milk?”
“I haven’t even finished telling you what all happened today.”
“I asked you to preheat the oven- did you at least do that?”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Honestly, I didn’t hear a word you said.”
After nine years of marriage, I am finally seeing a pattern in my conversations with my husband, Josh. He picks up the phone, and I blab on about my day for ten straight minutes while he can’t get in a single word. I ask him why he’s so quiet and seems annoyed (even though he still hasn’t said much of anything). I say something rude, depending on whether or not he responds and then one of us hangs up on the other. I get frustrated because I need someone to dump my problems on and I’m sure he’s frustrated with my auctioneer-paced recount of every detail of my day without even inquiring about his.
So lately, the whole communication thing has been tough. One week was extra busy, with Lily having two nights of gymnastics, Josh starting cross country practices and me going through a special training, often studying until late at night. This week, we hadn’t had anything nice to say to each other. When I got home that night, I realized that I had forgotten to stop at Wal-Mart. Before leaving to grocery shop, I asked him if he needed anything while I was out. The only thing he mentioned was that he needed water balloons for his runners to use the next morning as a fun conclusion to practice.
While I was driving home after a trip to Wal-Mart with a trunk full of groceries, two whining kids in the backseat and a tinge of annoyance that Josh was at home snuggled in bed, I had a crazy thought cross my mind: “stay up tonight and fill those water balloons for your husband — don’t leave it for him to do in the morning.” I quickly pushed the thought to the back burner as I daydreamed about groceries that put themselves away, snoozing kids and a cold pillow. No matter what I tried, however, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to help with those balloons.
Before heading out front, I doused myself in “Off” spray, coupled a pair of thick fleece pajama pants with a T-shirt to hopefully drown out the mosquitos and sat down beneath the pebble rock flowerbeds. I began to time myself for every ten water balloons that I tied. At first, I was ticked, only completing 38 balloons in 15 minutes. After two balloons popped, three had leaks and one straight up squirted/exploded in my face. Please try to picture me huddled in polar bear PJs, stationed in a frog-like stance behind the bushes in our flower bed, filling up one balloon at a time! The thought crossed my mind: “He doesn’t deserve this! He’s barely even speaking to me; why should I stay out here close to midnight and let mosquitos assault me?”
But that’s when the Lord spoke to me. “True, but none of you deserve anything. It’s my love that breaks chains.”
I had an “aha” moment. I had been focusing so much on “who deserved what” in our relationship that I forgot to just love him for who he is. I decided that I could focus on one thing I love about Josh for each balloon I filled. “One. He’s so sarcastic it keeps me on my toes. Two. He’s an amazing Daddy to Jonah and Lily. Three. He has driven me all over the country without complaining. Four. He makes me cards/letters at the most crucial times, when I need encouragement most. Five. He’s motivated me to do things I never thought possible so I can push myself to be stronger. Six. I love the way he’s truthful and blunt. Seven. He’s a hard worker. Eight. He’s leading our family towards an active lifestyle.” I looked down at my Fitbit and according to the stopwatch, my balloon tying was reaching epic proportions of speed. It was easier than I thought it would be to recall genuine reasons that I love this man. If I could just stop complaining, griping, nagging and whining for long enough to appreciate him, my heart could re-visit a very important place…the safety of a healthy relationship, the vitality of honoring a marriage.
So in case you’re wondering, I really did tie 101 balloons. Lily stayed outside with me the entire time and I stopped and smiled several times as I recalled little things about my relationship with Josh that I had almost forgotten– like taking Jonah to his first doctor’s appointment when he was three days old and leaving the diaper bag at home, or eating Spaghetti O’s by candle light because we couldn’t afford to go out to eat on Valentine’s Day. Maybe you don’t have water balloons to tie. But find a way to show appreciation to someone you love. Whether it’s taking out the trash when you are already running late, leaving an unexpected note of encouragement for your spouse to find, or planning a surprise date night, a little extra effort can go a long way.